Dealing with our Unprocessed Grief in Recovery

"We want to keep grief at bay, away, far far away. Yet, it keeps creeping into our lives, invited or not." – Ted Bowman

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After getting into recovery from active addiction for many years I started to experience a sadness that seemed to hang over me like a dark cloud. One day a “light came on” and I realized this cloud was filled with unprocessed grief. This cloud would become an obstacle on my path for a deeper, more intimate connection with others in all my relationships. I knew this would be a problem that I needed to eventually face since I was told by my counselor early in sobriety that it is important to replace your relationship with alcohol/drugs with close intimate relationships with people in recovery. This challenge brought up a great deal of anxiety (stemming from fear) within me as I knew I had struggled to “let people in” for as long as I could remember. I knew at that stage of my recovery I was left with an important “choice” that would determine the quality of my life moving forward: I could begin to deal with my grief by naming it and then processing the grief with others (therapist, sponsor, close friends or family, etc.) and experience the reward (intimacy) or I could choose to continue to suppress or deny my grief and risk the chance of turning to isolation and possibly a return to active addiction. Fortunately, and thanks to a great deal of Grace, I have for the most part chosen to face my grief and process it with others. (I say for the most part because I have not done it perfectly since entering recovery, as there have been times I have used other things to escape the discomfort of grief including comfort eating, TV binging or technology) I remember the quote from our AA literature when I make those choices and am disappointed in myself: “Progress not Perfection” Steve. So, let’s now get into how to deal and move through our grief in healthy ways...

We will break the process up in these three steps:

1. Identifying your Grief

Types of Grief(Loss) we experience in Life

● Our Addiction (alcohol, drugs, sex, work, food, etc.)

● Death of a loved one (family/friend/pet)

● Childhood trauma or neglect (lack of wonder, awe and free to be you)

● Living with a poor self image and low self-esteem

● Loss of Dreams

● Job/identity

● Broken or damaged Relationships

● Health and Wellness (Mental Health challenges, diabetes, HBP)

● Reason for living (losing touch with a meaning and purpose)

● One(s) that you identified and is not on this list.

2. Accepting your Grief

5 Stages of Grief (not linear) by Elisabeth Kuber Ross

● Denial

● Anger– Irritability; lack of patience and tolerance

● Bargaining– Ruminating with the “what ifs”; make deals

● Depression– lacking energy and motivation, trouble with concentration, sadness (all appropriate symptoms after loss)

● Acceptance– recognizing that this new reality is your permanent reality.

3. Processing your Grief (Guides to Grieving)

1) All loss can be the ground work for new life

2) Losses are unique to each individual and there is no timeline for grief, each person grieves at their own pace.

3) Change always brings loss, even when the change is welcome.

4) Loss evokes a wide array of emotions, whether we admit them or not.

5) We will find the makings of ourselves in our own history of loss, especially in the ways we have chosen to deal with it.

6) While we cannot control the losses we experience in life, we can choose what we do with them. Being open to sharing with others who can hold space for your grief.

7) Grieving that produces Growth involves 3 movements:

a) Openly acknowledging what has been lost. (writing a grief letter)

b) Expressing our feelings as we acknowledge the loss.

c) Choosing to change the things that keep us tied to the loss.

d) “Grief producing growth” moves us from surviving to healing, to growing.

In closing, I will leave with you a Native American grief processing ritual (Lakota) my sister just sent me while I was creating this document (Divine timing :) from the 1400’s called “Wichanpi Woyute”- star feeding:

● Gather small objects (stones, paper, anything triangle)

● Each object represents one painful memory or feeling

● Go to a natural setting (river, ocean, forest)

● Hold each object, speak the memory out loud

● Release it physically (throw it, bury it, burn it)

● Keep one object as a witness

The act of physical release signals to the brain that the memory has been

processed.

Peace and many Blessing to you on your journey back Home...